Interview on bullying with Viviana Colonnetti, psychologist, psychotherapist, psychopedagogist and legal and forensic psychologist, expert in child abuse and violence.

Viviana Colonnetti is a psychologist, psychotherapist, psychopedagogue and legal and forensic psychologist. She is an expert in mistreatment and abuse of minors; she is a trainer and founding member of the Central Commission for the Promotion of Wellness and the Protection of Minors and Vulnerable People of the Focolare Movement. We thought of her as the right person to talk to us about bullying, and she kindly accepted, gifting us a very dense and, we believe, useful meeting.

Sometimes, when we talk about bullying, we tend to think “it has always existed”. Do you agree?

Bullying is violence between people of the same age: adults, children or adolescents. Violence that includes bullying has always existed. It is a not very pleasing side of the human behavior, the sign of personal discomfort unmanageable in a healthy way. Thus, the “choice”—conscious or unconscious—to express the difficulty and frustration with violent behavior towards someone. Aggression is a symptom; bullying is not the reason for this behavior.

Then there’s today.

With elements of the social context that shed light on the different shades of bullying.

For example?

The circulation through the social media of tragic bullying stories brings forth a phenomenon that initially (often) happened in a silent way. At school or during a sports event, we all have been victims or have assisted in acts of bullying with more or less serious consequences. We were marked by it, but before one experienced violence in solitude and silence, and when, bravely, one managed to talk to an adult, what was the answer? “Just pretend nothing happened.”.

What meaning did it have?

It was an invitation to deny the pain when instead whatever we do not talk about, or face continues to hurt. Whatever one denies becomes stronger.

Thus, it’s positive when we talk about bullying…

The strong visibility of the phenomenon is positive through social media as it raises awareness in the community—adults and youth—on the fact that bullying exists and is serious. At the same time, in my work as a psychologist, I realize it isn’t enough.

What else is required?

That social media, apart from communicating the dramatic nature of bullying, provided keys to deal with it. Condemning it isn’t enough. The reason why it happens, its consequences and how to avoid this must be explained. Otherwise, one can remain paralyzed in front of this news with the impression of being unable to react.

Less so in a society with a strong narcissistic tendency like ours.

Conveyed and encouraged by the visibility of the narcissistic people presented as “winning models” that push us to assume narcissistic characteristics that favor bullying situations.

What is the behavior of a narcissistic?

“There’s ME, the others are at my service”: the classmate or dance mate is seen as an instrument, as an “object” to “use” to reach goals.

Here is another plot between bullying and the present.

Initially, social life was characterized by intense and healthy interpersonal relationships that offered the youth cohesive groups in which to feel, in some way, safe. Today, with (and because of) narcissistic attitudes, the individualistic trend of “save yourself,” turning people into islands that share the same spaces but become sick in loneliness, is gaining ground. The cohesion in a peer group is the antidote for bullying, as predominating the good of everyone doesn’t allow violence to take the upper hand.

Very useful. Remaining in the present, today talking about bullying means also talking about cyberbullying. How much does it increase the danger of this phenomenon?

In bullying, the aggression is physical, face-to-face: in cyberbullying, it occurs on the internet, on social media, via chat. Cyberbullying, as of now quite diffused, has significantly increased with COVID and following it, as the adolescents communicate via the network always more.

Why are the effects more devastating?

Because the circulation of the aggression has a greater reach and very often is unstoppable: one click is enough, and the image reaches thousands of people. In bullying the aggression is presential and the victim knows it aggressor; in cyberbullying social media make him invisible increasing the suffering in the victim, who finds himself trapped in the network: running away from the intimidation and humiliation is impossible. The victim keeps receiving aggressive messages for months, aggravating his painful condition. Each message received makes him relive the violence and makes the victim more and more vulnerable. In addition, that aggressive content is very difficult to remove from the web.

It hurts everyone… and if we think of teenagers, who are fragile by definition…

Let’s imagine an adolescent in this situation and how devastating it can be to endure continues humiliations prolonged in time with no apparent way out! Thus, sometimes, to put an end to suffering, one reaches extreme acts such as suicide.

What happens during adolescence? Why is bullying capable of bringing about more severe damages at that age?

Adolescence is a phase of profound changes: physical and in the way of thinking. This involves an inevitable and healthy identity crisis: the adolescent doesn’t recognize himself in his body and mind, in his decisions, in his behavior, in his emotions, thus becoming particularly vulnerable. The idea of him/herself that he/she had as a child doesn’t answer to reality, generating in him/her a destabilizing mental confusion. He doesn’t know who he is anymore. The effort in reconstructing his own identity makes him recognize himself as an independent person, and to be able to do it, he does something similar to a puzzle: he chooses the mosaics of his child self-image that he wants to keep and incorporates new ones that are the result of new experiences. Putting these mosaics together, he builds an updated image of himself.

How does he do it?

Through the process of separation-identification. To be able to do this, he moves away from his parents, isolates himself in his room, refuses or criticizes his parent’s behavior, and feels attracted by new adults outside his family: musicians, athletes, actors, etc. The gap creates anxiety and a fear of loneliness. Thus, he takes refuge in his peer group, with his friends. Belonging in a group is like a container that lowers the level of anxiety. In a group, the adolescent is reassured and does not feel alone. Therefore, during adolescence, belonging to a peer group is basic!

This is why, in the complex reality of the adolescent, bullying can be overthrown.

If bullying lurks in the peer group, we can imagine in what situation the adolescent finds himself as the victim: he/she has moved away from his/her parents to get to know and recognize himself without their help. He finds himself without that protection he had since he was a child. He searched for a group to feel protected while facing disruptive changes in this phase of life, and at this point he reaches a paradoxical situation: the group who’s supposed to protect him hurts, attacks, humiliates and blackmails him. The victim feels hurt and awfully lonely.

The movie “The boy with the pink trousers” inspired by the true story of Andrea Spezzacatena, a 15-year-old boy who committed suicide in 2012 after having endured acts of bullying, has just been released in cinemas. How important is it to raise awareness among the youth on this theme?

It is important to dialogue: to create safe spaces where one can express the unspeakable, almost unpronounceable because painful. Even the information is important: to get to know about bullying to better understand it and act accordingly. The need to hand out instruments to the adolescents to understand the reasons arises, along with the need to work on empathy. To train them on asking themselves what a bullied victim feels. What does the bully feel when he attacks? Why do the friends who assist the act of bullying do not react? What paralyzes them? What do they feel? Working on empathy makes a difference in preventing bullying. You don’t attack someone you love.

How important is it to talk about the bully as well?

In bullying, the bully, the victim, the peers and the adults are involved. The attention is often on the victim and his suffering, which is very important. Yet, unfortunately, a little is said about the other people involved. Instead, it is very important to direct our attention on everyone involved, even the bully, as he also, through his aggressiveness, asks for attention and help. No one wakes up one morning and decides to be a bully; every aggressive behavior of ours responds to a why.

Who is the bully?

There isn’t a profile of the bully; we cannot generalize. Each person is unique. Nonetheless, by observing different bullying scenarios, one can highlight situations that repeat themselves.

For example?

Sometimes, the bully starts attacking a companion of his involuntarily or as a joke, this situation becomes repetitive and the peer group or adults assign a particular role to the aggressor as a protagonist in the group, labeling him as the “group bully” from whom aggressive behavior is expected. At that point, the aggressor enters a circle from which it is difficult to get out.

Or?

The bully may have endured—in other contexts—acts of bullying or other kind of violence. Thus, in an unconscious way, he tries to assume the role of the aggressor to avoid becoming a victim of that violence again.

Other situations?

It is possible that the adolescent, by attacking, tries to elaborate his own experience as a victim, unable to have done it in another way.

What do these examples have in common?

These shed light on the fact that who attacks, the so-called aggressor seeks attention. He/she also needs help. Thus, it is necessary that the adults direct their attention to the bully as well. It is important to engage with the aggressor, to dwell on questions that can open a window for reflection and self-criticism and lead to awareness of one’s actions: What is your place in your group for being aggressive? In your role as a bully, what do you gain and what do you lose? What are the emotions you feel with aggression? And so on.

What role do the adults have in the prevention and cure of bullying?

They have a crucial role in orienting and guiding the children and adolescents in their relational styles. Sometimes, bullying is seen as a phenomenon that expresses the reality of the new generations; instead, I believe that it is a mirror of society. We live with a normalized violence between children, adolescents, and adults. The television series, the videogames, cartoons, reality shows, and some films present aggressive relationship models that allow people to grow into thinking that violence is normal.

How can we contrast this distorted vision of reality?

Violence is prevented by giving visibility to healthy relational models that propose other models of communication: dialogue, empathy, listening, acceptance, kindness, and assertiveness, among others. In this context, adults play the protagonist role in helping to develop these abilities in children and adolescents. The fascination with young, successful athletes and artists living these skills shows that we need a less violent society and want to build it.

Instead, what hides behind aggressive behaviors?

Insecurity, impulsivity and difficulty in handling emotions and recognizing those of others. Sometimes the adolescents find it difficult to evaluate the consequences of their own behavior at an individual and social level. They are intolerant of frustration, often the result of an overprotective upbringing that does not teach deferred gratification. Which is very important, as it values the process: it gives importance to the journey, with its obstacles to overcome and the strategies to be chosen to reach a goal. It is a highly educative process, but there is a tendency to focus only on immediate satisfaction.

Let’s go back to the responsibility of the adult.

The abilities that help the children and adolescents in becoming confident, open, and inclusive people develop only with the guidance of the adult. Thus, an adult with a loving regard capable of giving the adolescents attention, appreciation, and acceptance is needed.

You touched on several key points…

In short, the difficulty in managing emotions, lack of empathy and intolerance of frustration are an explosive mix, a breeding ground for bullying.